My Personal Disorder
by jonasgivesyouwings
Summary: This is about a girl named, Alli. She has been dealing with cutting. Does she have the courage to tell her boyfriend? Find out in this Kevin Jonas fanfic. has no hannah montana!
1. Chapter 1

I'm a girl. Just your odinary one. Ache, girl problems, and the on and off relationships. I was living the happy life, until life began to get stressful. Felt like no one in this world had cared. So you know what? Yeah, that's right I turned to the Emo-ish things. Emo-ish things? No, No, No. Labeling people. NO. People think of emos as cutters, haters, dyers. No, I'm not a hater of life, and I'm certainly not going to kill myself. Cutting? I did it once. My life had gotton so out of control, with the murder of my father, and school, and of course boyfriends. I couldn't take it. I took a razor and just basically cut my problems away. I thought it would only happen once. Boy was I wrong. It's called an _addiction. _Nobody, and I mean NOBODY knows about this. Except for the people at group. My mom found many cuts all over my leg, and sat me down with an old lecture and how bad it is. Blah, blah, blah. Well basically, I'm hiding it from my boyfriend. We've been friends since 5th grade. We are sophmore's now.

Yet, he still doesn't know about my group, cutting, problems. He's my Kevy-Boo and i would hate to loose him in my life...


	2. Chapter 2

"well she said jealousy was something that distracts you, I said it's hard to focus with your fingers in his belt loops," My phone rang, and I anwsered it immedaitly.  
"Hey, KEVY!" I screamed in the phone.  
"Hey, babe. Whatcha doin'?"  
"Just getting ready for today..." I had group to go to, but I couldn't just tell him that. No one,and I mean NO ONE needs to know about my cutting problem.  
"Ohh, hey can you hang out today?" Kevin said as if it meant the world to him if she said yes.  
"ummm, well I can at 4. Want to then?"  
"yeah, of coursee! I can't wait to see you, ali-kins."  
"I can't wait to see you mr. kevy-boo...kins?"  
We both laughed. I hung up the phone and prepared for the lame class. There was a total of 13 people in the class. Everytime, we had to state when the last time we had cut.  
"Hello, I'm Shawn, and I cut 2 days ago." the class roared for Shawn's improvement.  
I stood up from my seat a prepared for my part.  
"Hi, I'm Alison, for the MILLIONTH time, and the last time I cut was last week." I lied.  
"ALISON!! I **know** for a fact that you did not make it a week." Said, Mrs. Tweety. I hated that teacher with a passion, and she hated me. I could feel it deep down inside of me. "FINE, this morning." I sat low in my seat as everyones draw dropped. "Why?" That was coming from everyone at group. "grades, stress, looking for jobs. Need I go on?"  
Mrs. Tweety gave me a digusted look, and moved on to the next people. I felt the tears coming to my eyes. _Can't she see that she makes it even worse for me?  
_When group was over, I hurried to the exit as fast as i could. Too late. Mrs. Tweety was RIGHT behind me.

"Alison! hows your boyfriend?"  
"good, like you care." i said under my breath.  
"so, does he know about your-"  
"Problems?! No, He doesn't know about my _problems_, and I plan on keeping it that way."  
I slammed open the door and ran down the steps.  
"TELL HIM ALISON!" I heard Mrs. Tweety call back after me. _Tell him? How could I tell Kevin that I cut myself? That's wasen't ever going to happen. __**ever!**_


	3. Chapter 3

I asked Kevin to pick me up at the nearest park. I ran across the street, over the bridge, through the gravel, and finally got to the park. I sat down on the bench, making sure all my cuts were well hidden. I saw Kevin walking up. "so, how was your day today?" Kevin said, as he sat beside me.

"Hmm, pretty good. now that your here." I looked at kevin and he gave his cute little smile, that always gave me the butterflies. "so, do you just want to go back to my house, chill, and watch a movie?" I looked a kevin, for an anwser. "sounds good. Lets go." we walked to the car. But the whole way back to my house I couldn't get the 2 words out of my mind. "tell him." how could I? I was starring out the window, until we finally reached my house. We walked up to the door. Kevin headed for my room, as my mom winked at me, hinting that I should tell him. I glared at her. AGAIN, how could I just tell him, that I cut to forget the pain?

I walked in my room, to find kevin sitting on my bed. I made my way over to him, and layed next to him. I could feel his minty breath hitting my cheek. "soo... do you want something to drink?" I asked him. "yeah, lemonade?" I laughed. We always had lemonade when we were at my house.

I walked downstairs and came back up with the to drinks. When I heard Kevin scream. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR LEG?" I looked down and saw that all my cuts and scars were showing. I quickly covered them up. "ALLISON. What's that from?" I sat there, and I could just feel the tears coming to my eyes. "uhh. nothing..." I just couldn't even tell him. "Allison, I know what I saw. What's that from?"

This time, my tears were flowing down my cheeks. "ummm, it's hard for me to tell you." I saw the anger and hate in Kevins eyes. "So you mean to tell me, that after being friends for 10 fucking years, that you can't even tell me something? what the hell allison! I tell you everything, and all of a sudden you can't do the same for me?" Kevin stood up, and I cried even harder. The only times Kevin swore at me was when he was really mad. "I'm sorry, kevin...It's just really hard for me to talk about it."

"if you can't tell me something then maybe we shouldn't even be-" he stopped. "maybe we shouldn't what?" I look at him. "be together."

I cried. "Well, is it over between us?" that was the thing i was so worried about, and it's happening. "yeah, I geuss it is!" kevin said. "Well then just get out of my house if it's over!" "BYE ALLISON!" That's when I saw kevin walk out the door, and this couldn't wait. I got up and ran to the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me, sat of the floor. I took my razor, and pulled my sock off. I cut for love.stress.kevin. Then I got up, pulled open the drawer, and pulled out my usual tac. I carved the letter "4" into my left wrist. and carved the word "love" into my right wrist.

"ALLISON. OPEN UP THE GOD-DAMN DOOR" I heard Kevin say as he was knocking and banging into the door.

"No, i don't want you to see me like this. you don't even care about me, so just go away!" I sat there and watched as my leg was pouring with blood. Man, that was a DEEP cut.

then I could hear kevin. he wispered through the door. "ali-kins. I love you. I want to help you to make sure your okay. and if you lock yourself in the bathroom, i can't see my love." Kevin made me smile a little. I unlocked the door, and saw kevin come running in. he saw my leg, grabbed a towel from the closet, and slid down to the floor. He put my leg on his lap and was wipping up all the blood. that's when i had seen kevin cry. There's only two times in our life when he had cried, and this was the 3rd.

I hugged him, and cried on his shoulder. I started to whisper to him. "you know, i really want to stop. but it's just to hard."

we sat on the ground, both of us. Crying.


	4. Chapter 4

FLASHBACK:

"We are now reporting from this little house on Sikamore Ave. Robert Allen has just commited sucide, by hanging himself from his ceiling fan. We truly can say, that this has really affected daughter, Alison Allen, in ways we can't describe. R.I.P."

FLASHBACK ENDED:

I could always recite that quote any day. My father. My hero. My inspiration. Hung himself to deal with the pain. My mom worrys thinking that one day, I might go for that too, but I don't see that happening to me.

It was just an ordinary school day in Lit. We sat their doing reports, when kids of the names, Jake, Doug, Lizzie, and Abby came up to me, asking all sorts of questions about my father.

I didn't really get along with any of the four, so seeing them next to me, made me feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable.

_That's when it had happened._

"Alison, you know nobody on this planet except Kevin likes you...right?"

I looked down, not knowing what to say.

"LOOK! She doesn't even stand up for herself. What a loser!" Screamed Jake.

"People do care about me, maybe not you. All you guys do is talk shit to other people. Just get a life, and get out of mine" I screamed back at them.

"WOW! Big girl can talk. Hmm, I wonder if her father can talk? Can he? No. He can't, 'cause he's dead!" I looked down. Tears will filling up in my eyes, but i didn't let it show.

As Doug was walking away, I heard Jake say "maybe she should make herself useful and hang herself like her dad."

"HANG MYSELF LIKE WHAT? LIKE MY DAD?"

Everyone looked at Jake. "Dude, that went to far." the class was know all in whispers.

I felt everyone starring at me. I got up and ran for the bathroom. Tears falling down my face. As each tear hit the ground, It was as loud as shaddering glass. I looked for something I could use... anything. I saw a nail in the wall, holding a picture frame. I rubbed my arm across it 5 Deep times. Clearing out the thoughts of my dad. Wanting to leave the world.

_Maybe nobody did want me around._


	5. Chapter 5

I walked out the bathroom door, too see Kevin standing up against the wall. Tears we're pouring down my face, my arm wrapped in a papertowels. "I want you around..." Kevin said in a whisper. It made my tears fall down my face even harder. My frown turned a bit up, revealing a smile as I flew into Kevin's arms. His comfort told everything. He rubbed my back, and I filled his sleeve with tears. "don't ever let people get to you like that. Alli, you're better than that. I love youuu..."

I smiled a little bit more. "thank. you. kevin." I forced the words out of my mouth between each long sob.

The bell had rang, telling us that it was the end of the school day. Kevin walked me to my locker, forgetting that his was all the way across the school. I got all my stuff, slammed my locker, and grabbed Kevins hand. I saw Jake and Doug walk towards us. I rolled my eyes, and gripped Kevins hand into a tight squeeze. I couldn't deal those kids without the help of somebody else.

They walked past me and Kevin, and gave a laugh. I felt the tears coming back to my eyes. The worst thing about myself? I actually care what people think and say about me. Kevin saw the worry in my eyes as we walked down the hall, everyone's eyes on me. But who could blame them. I had a bloody napkin around my arm. Kevin put his arm around me, and starred down anyone that looked at me wrong. That's when I knew, that between me and Kevin, was a relationship that could _never_ disapper...


	6. Chapter 6

Kevin and I got into his car, and he starred down. He did a huge sigh, something that felt like something bad was going to happen.

I felt as my heart was shattering.

"We need to talk when we get back to your house." Kevin looked at me a little disappointed.

"Ohh...ok..." I starred out the window. My heart shattering over and over. Feeling of my stomache flipping. Maybe he had no idea that I needed him in my life, more than ever.

He was the _only _one that could give me butterflies. The _only _one that could help me with my cutting. And now he was just going to walk out of my life? I starred out the windows for anwsers.

He turned onto my street and I could feel my heart beating. I could feeling it pulsing throughout my whole body. I could feel every bad and sad thing in my life come back to me. It felt as if my father was sitting right next to me. I could feel him in the car with me. Giving me his strength. "Hey Alli, are you okay?" I came out of my whole train of thoughts and looked over at my boyfriend. "Yeah, everythings fine." I faked a smile, as I undid my seat belt. Kevin undid his and sat there for a few minutes.

"Can I come in?" He looked at me with a sad face.

"Yeah, I never said you couldn't." And I did a laugh, but he wasen't laughing with me.

We got out of the car and walked up to the door. We headed straight for my room. My body was shaking. _We need to talk._ It ran through my thoughts every 5 seconds.

Kevin followed me into my room as he walked over to my bed and sat down. He motioned me over to sit next to me, but my head was saying not to. My head and my heart were on different scales. My heart; loved kevin with every beat of the heart. It loved Kevin with every blood circulation. My head; told me not to go and sit. It told me I was about to get my heart broken. And my head reminded me of those 4 words over and over. _We need to talk._

I sat next to him. He pulled my hand into his hand. He rubbed my leg with his other hand. "Alli." He said. Noticing I have been looking down since we left school.

"Yeah... what? Since I already know what you're going to say. Just get it over with. I have things to do." I had barked at him.Feeling the tears I have been holding back, start to come into my eyes.

Kevin gave a confused look. "What was I going to say Alli?" _We need to talk _it rushed through my head_._

"You are about to break up with me. Every girl knows what _we need to talk_ stands for. And it never ends in something happy." One single tear started to roll down my face.

Kevin whiped it away. "Alli, I was just going to talk to you about your cutting. I was never, ever going to break up with you. Why would you even think I'd want to?"

"Well, because I'm hard to deal with. With my cutting. People at school. My father. My PMSing. Everything..."

"Alli, none of that matters. You're completely perfect in my eyes, and theres nothing that's going to change that." Kevin smiled at me. He got up and walked over to the bathroom. He grabbed some anti-biotic cream and some bandages. He grapped and towel, and put it under the fouset. He came back over. Pulled my arm onto his lap, and began to clean my cut from school.

I geuss I have a tendency to overreact. But hey, I'm a girl, and that's what girls do. I looked at the most perfect guy sitting next to me. That night we had a very long talk. About my cuts, my dad, and everything.

I truly believe if it wasen't for Kevin, I'd be going insane


	7. Chapter 7

I have been doing really good lately. I haven't cut since 2 months ago. Kevin has been helping me out each and everyday. He drives me too and from group every week. I just don't know how to thank him for everything he has done to help me along. He truly is someone that I love.  
But the worst thing? My mom has been dating, again. She has seen 8 guys in the past month. Each guy is no where close to being a good guy for her. I just don't want to see her hurt, or even marrying some guy she doesn't love.  
And one other thing. Kevin is starting his first tour soon. And that means he's not going to even have time for me. I know that sounds selfish and everything, but I'm someone that gets jealous... very easily. And the thing that hurts more? I found out about the tour, through his mom. Kevin hasen't spoken anything about him leaving me for 5 months. Nothing.  
It's like he doesn't want me to know, and is going to leave without telling me.  
It drives me nuts.  
But today, I'm going to get him to tell me everything that happens. I will.

My phone started to ring and I ran to anwser it.  
"Hello?" I anwsered.  
"Hey, Alli. This is Kevin. I got a new phone."  
"Oh, hey. That's why I didn't reconzie the number." I laughed. "So what's up?"  
"Oh, nothing. Just pack--" Kevin said, but stopped as he was about to say packing.  
"Wait, what?" I asked like I had no clue.  
"Oh, um... I... uh."  
"Kevin, what's wrong?" I asked him.  
"Oh, nothing. I have to tell you something though. Just don't get upset..."  
"Okay, what?" I knew the tour started in two weeks, I just had no idea when they were getting on the road.  
"I ummm. Can I tell you in person? Like can I come over to your house?" He asked me.  
"Yeah, sure."  
"Kay, I'm leaving right now."  
We hung up the phone and in 15 minutes, the door rang. I ran downstairs, to see Kevin standing there with a huge frown.  
i let him in as we walked over the living room couch.  
he grabbed my hand. I began to worry.

"So, what did you have to tell me?" I asked.  
"Alison, We're going on tour in two weeks. We have to have everything packed and ready to go by Saturday morning."  
I looked up at him.  
"But that's in four days..."  
"yeah, and I just don't think we can stay together, like in a long term relationship... I'm not very good at those. And you know that. I just--"  
Kevin stopped as he saw me let go of his hand and have tears flowing down my face.  
"But, Alison." Kevin started again. "I think we can--"  
I just had to interrupt him.  
"Kevin, so you finally tell me. I knew about you leaving for a week now. Why didn't you tell me sooner, so we could have put my stupid problems aside, and spent the last weeks together? I found out from your mom. She thought that I had already knew, when I knew Nothing. And now your coming here, breaking up with me. Because you couldn't have warned me a little bit earlier?"  
"Wait, Alli. You didn't even let me finish."  
"Let you finish what, you breaking up with me?"  
I looked away, as more and more tears were coming down my face. I couldn't believe that he was actually breaking up with me.  
"Ali. Will you just listen to me? I talked to your mom and my mom, and they said you could come on tour with us if you wanted. You know I can't stay apart from you for one second." I looked back at Kevin.  
"Wait, so you're not breaking up with me?"  
"No, not now, not ever, not any other time. I've told you before that I can't break up with you." Kevin grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. He whispered into my ear. "So, will you?" I smiled and whispered back into his ear. "of course I will." Kevin kissed my cheek as he pulled on my hand to lead me into my room. He pulled out my suitcase to help me pack.  
I can't believe how much I freak out. I always think with one little thing Kevin doesn't tell me right away, that it always means something bad is going to happen. This guy, known as Kevin, was my hero. My best friend. And my boyfriend


End file.
